What Can I Say? (Cont.)

I don't know anymore. I still feel so lost about everything. I can't help but think about everything that happened. Even though I've moved from place to place it seems like I can never really find what I really want.

Even I don't know what I really want now days. I feel like I'm in need of something but still I'm not sure.

I still think about those of the past too. Somewhat I tell myself I regret most things that happened but at the same time I don't think I can take another chance. There's someone who I wanna give him a second chance but I don't think I can handle him. Then there's someone who I wanna be given as second chance but I keep telling myself, he's not the guy I thought he was. Then there's that last person...the one I wanna be with. In so many ways I wanna be with him. But...I know for sure not that all that are only dreams now.

With the reasons he gave me, it's basically telling me that there will never be a chance for us to be together. This saddens me but what can I do? What can I say about it? I have no control on what happens in life and the fact that shit happens really kills me.

I really want to be with him but I don't that will ever happen. So...I made up my mind. I'm gonna let him go. It's my only way. Letting him find his piece of happiness. It's the only way I can move forward. But still, he's like a ghost always haunting me. Whenever I decide to move on, he comes back into my life. Why does that happen to us? If we weren't meant to be, then how come...how come we keep get drawn back together?

Either way, for now, going our own way is best. I really wanna see him but I don't think I can handle my being ripped apart by fault dreams.

Even to a certain someone, I even said my final good bye to him too. I guess I'm accepting the fact that he will never give me a second chance even if I ask for it. I know that things will never be the same between the two of us. Everything that has happened is now in the past and is something I can't change. The only thing I can do is let go and forget about it. It sadden me when I told him goodbye, it really ripped my heart. He was the first man I found myself falling in love with. I know he wasn't perfect and really didn't care about me but what can I say? I fell in love with him. That's what happened.

Then there was him too. The one that wanted a second chance, a second chance that I don't think I can handle. He's very sweet and very loving, but I don't think I can go on with him. I just can't see where our love would end. That's the only think that keeps bugging me. He keeps telling me, he doesn't want to hurt me and loves me too much but doesn't deserve me. I feel like it's really me, who doesn't deserve him. I don't want him to get caught up with my own issues. He's too sweet and deserves someone who is willing to love him and be there for him. If it was me, I would be expecting too much from him. If I can say one last thing to him, I want him to know that I want him to be happy, I want him to find someone who will love him and care for him, because I'm not capable of doing that. I really want to be there for him but...I know that it would be impossible. I'm really sorry. I really am.

So...why? Why must these things happen? Saying goodbye...it isn't like saying Hello. I wish it was, so that way it won't be so painful. But I guess it's also another thing that I can't control...