Empty Bond

Hlub Koj Npaum Twg

2010-12-04T16:18:00.004-06:00

What's more to say? I can't help but wonder why you're not here by my side. This song is for you even though you may be far from me and probably can never hear this song. I know you may think i'm not worthy of everything and there are times you may think you're not worthy of me. But...I don't care what others hvae to say. I just can't let things be the way they are, I just can't let you go because I can't live without loving you. I know I'm not much help to you but I want to be able to stand by your side. If I'm able to do that then everything is okay with me. I don't care if I'm just some kind of tool you can rely on. I don't care how you what you do with me. As long as I can be by your side. Please don't abandom me! Please don't...

What Can I Say? (Cont.)

2010-10-28T23:20:00.003-05:00

I don't know anymore. I still feel so lost about everything. I can't help but think about everything that happened. Even though I've moved from place to place it seems like I can never really find what I really want.

Even I don't know what I really want now days. I feel like I'm in need of something but still I'm not sure.

I still think about those of the past too. Somewhat I tell myself I regret most things that happened but at the same time I don't think I can take another chance. There's someone who I wanna give him a second chance but I don't think I can handle him. Then there's someone who I wanna be given as second chance but I keep telling myself, he's not the guy I thought he was. Then there's that last person...the one I wanna be with. In so many ways I wanna be with him. But...I know for sure not that all that are only dreams now.

With the reasons he gave me, it's basically telling me that there will never be a chance for us to be together. This saddens me but what can I do? What can I say about it? I have no control on what happens in life and the fact that shit happens really kills me.

I really want to be with him but I don't that will ever happen. So...I made up my mind. I'm gonna let him go. It's my only way. Letting him find his piece of happiness. It's the only way I can move forward. But still, he's like a ghost always haunting me. Whenever I decide to move on, he comes back into my life. Why does that happen to us? If we weren't meant to be, then how come...how come we keep get drawn back together?

Either way, for now, going our own way is best. I really wanna see him but I don't think I can handle my being ripped apart by fault dreams.

Even to a certain someone, I even said my final good bye to him too. I guess I'm accepting the fact that he will never give me a second chance even if I ask for it. I know that things will never be the same between the two of us. Everything that has happened is now in the past and is something I can't change. The only thing I can do is let go and forget about it. It sadden me when I told him goodbye, it really ripped my heart. He was the first man I found myself falling in love with. I know he wasn't perfect and really didn't care about me but what can I say? I fell in love with him. That's what happened.

Then there was him too. The one that wanted a second chance, a second chance that I don't think I can handle. He's very sweet and very loving, but I don't think I can go on with him. I just can't see where our love would end. That's the only think that keeps bugging me. He keeps telling me, he doesn't want to hurt me and loves me too much but doesn't deserve me. I feel like it's really me, who doesn't deserve him. I don't want him to get caught up with my own issues. He's too sweet and deserves someone who is willing to love him and be there for him. If it was me, I would be expecting too much from him. If I can say one last thing to him, I want him to know that I want him to be happy, I want him to find someone who will love him and care for him, because I'm not capable of doing that. I really want to be there for him but...I know that it would be impossible. I'm really sorry. I really am.

So...why? Why must these things happen? Saying goodbye...it isn't like saying Hello. I wish it was, so that way it won't be so painful. But I guess it's also another thing that I can't control...

2010-09-04T02:01:00.002-05:00

What can I say? Three month ago, something happened. Something I really didn't care for yet I did. Something that was good yet made me sad.

Three month ago, my fiancee got married. He had married a girl from his village. At first I was happy about it. That I'm finally free from this arranged marriage. But then, at the same time, it made me sad. Because I had given him my trust and he ripped it up. I thought he and I were meant to be...but I guess not. Then I was mad at him for bringing up the whole arranged marriage thing. If he wasn't gonna stick to then why the hell did he tie me down for two whole years. I mean I could have been with someone too during that time but I didn't want to take the chances of falling in love and letting go due to the engagement.

However, I am thankful of him. Because he opened my eyes and made me realize so many things. Such as 1) I'm Hmong, 2) I'm a girl, and 3) men are cruel, we, women, are seen like toys in their eyes.

My point is that now, that he's gone. I'm somewhat happy and yet somewhat sad. I guess I just can't figure out my path right now. I wish I knew which road to take. Perhaps, when the time comes, I will find the RIGHT way.

Is tonight our night?

2010-04-23T23:26:00.005-05:00

My heart cries for you,
There isn't a moment of the day that I do not think about you.
I will never let you go,
because you're all I have.

Even if tonight is my last night with you,
I never want you to be sad,
nor do I want to leave you.
If I could, I'll never leave you.

Tonight it will be my last night,
please don't be sad.
I love you with all my heart,
and I vow to protect you.

I never wish for this to happen to us.
But what can I do?
This is our fate,
My love...I love you.

Even though tonight will be our last,
I never want to forget you,
because you have shown me something no one else ever can.
Your love is all I will ever need.

When you wake up tomorrow
and I'm gone,
please don't cry, for it'll make me sad.
I want to see you smile like you always have.

Please don't stop loving,
because it is your love that opened my eyes.
You are my guidance and even if I'm gone,
I'll still follow you.

You are my one and only love.
I never want you to be sad,
but it is because of this fate,
that we have been separated.

Please don't cry,
don't shed a tear,
if you do, I'll be sad.
I love you soo much, that I can't bear to see anything happen to you.

My love, please be patience
and the time will come.
I'll come back one day,
and at last we will be together again.

My love for you will not end,
neither tonight nor for ever.
My love for you will continue to grow
and grow, until the day I'm die.

Please remember, you are my light.
I will always be here for you,
though I may be gone that doesn't mean forever.
Please wait for me, my love.

A Night with You

2010-04-03T16:51:00.001-05:00

Looking around, there's only darkness around me.
No one here but me,
suddenly I hear a voice call my name.
Turning around I see you looking into my eyes,
looking deep down in to my soul.
Where I've been soo cold.

Pulling me into your arms, I knew that I would be safe again.
Planting one kiss on my lips, you then fade into the night.
How I desire to hold you so close, and smell that sweet scent of tabacco.
But how my dreams can betray my thoughts, I get pushed so far away.
So close to falling deeper into the darkness.

Then once again you come into my dreams,
like a haunting nightmare that doesn't fade away.
Pulling me into your arms, telling me that I was reckless doing such a thing.
Telling me how much you still want to be with me.
Do you realize how much pain you have put me through?
If I could, I would tie you to me so I'll never lose you again.

But what am I saying, you're gone now and I can't do a thing about it.
I can't help but stand on the sidelines and pray for the best.
I can't hold you like I always had.
I can't kiss you like I always desired.
I can't...

The things that I desire is nothing more than dreams.
But how can they be dreams when even in my dreams they don't come true.
I want you. I really want you. But how?
How can I get you back?
How can I shine for you?

Now, the darkness returns and all I can do is fade into the background.
Going with the darkness and becoming one with them.
Because you won't be here to pull me out anymore.
Because you can never reach for me ever again.

This is my goodbye and I wish you then best at whatever you do.
But please, when you're feeling down or sad, remember me.
I'll still be here no matter what.
Because all I have have left are my dreams.

Because I'm a Girl

2010-02-03T13:22:00.003-06:00

In a far away place, there waits a girl.
She's the only child of her family. She
waits for the day that she can fly off to
the land of her dreams. Though deep
inside she knows that is was impossible
for her to have such dreams. Yet she
kept on dreaming, kept on hoping, and kept
holding on to that last piece of light,
that last piece of hope, and that last
piece of faith.

But as each day pass by, everything she
knows slowly changes. She is becomes someone
else without realizing it. Then one lonely
night, she came to realize that what she
have become is something she had always dreamt
of becoming but yet one thing holds her back.
And that is her tradition, her culture, and
her identity.

From a young age, she was engaged with the son
of her father's only sister. He was a young and
bright man. And she was a young and caring girl.
But they were two worlds a part, separated by
the Earth and sea. They never knew each other
well. They have only communicated through the
phone and never had even one serious conversion.

Deep inside, the girl never wanted to be
engage with the boy. Though she knows that
in the country she lives in, she can refuse the
engagement and the government would be on her
side. But what about her culture and her traditions?
Living in America, growing up as an American,
does this make her different? Does this change
who she is inside? Does this change everything
she knows about herself?

No. It doesn't. Inside herself, she knows she's
Hmong and she knows no matter what language
she may speak or what country she grows up in.
She is Hmong and she will always be Hmong.
No matter who she loves or what she does.
Nothing will change that.

Realizing that she is Hmong. She knows
that deep inside, though her parents say
they do not wish for her to marry her own cousin,
she knows that deep inside their hearts they
wish for her to do so. Because she is a girl
and she is the only child they have. If she
was to marry out of the family, there would be
no one to care for her them. She will be
taken away to the groom's family, to care and
love his family. If she was to follow
through with this engagement, she will be marrying
the son of her only aunt. And she knows that
her aunt has raised her son well, and she
knows that he will able to love and care for
her family.

Because by marrying him, she won't have to
leave the family. He will be the one leaving
his family to come to live with her in America.
But...what about him? How does he feel about
this engagement? Does his feeling differ from her?
Or is it the same? She asks herself these questions
from time to time. Only if she knew how he felt,
then she would know what to do with the engagement.

However, deep in the back of her mind, she
knows she's taking a risk. In her culture,
it is normal to marry inside the family,
as long as you don't share the same last name.
However, when it comes to divorce, it's a
different matter. No one would look at you
when you got divorce. It was always common
that if your husband divorce you, you were a
bad wife, even if he was the bad one.

But...the thought on her mind was different
from everyone else. Because she was a girl,
she had no rights to care for her family.
She was the one who will be married out of
the family. The boys were the one who were
to carry on the family name and care for
the family.

Knowing this, she knew she had to carry on
with the engagement. Because the man she
is marrying is her aunt's son, she know
that his job is to care for her parents
no matter if they are married or not. That
was her aunt's plan. She was giving her own
son to her brother, the one that loved her
the most. It was her gift to him, because his
wife couldn't give birth to a son. She, the
aunt, loved her brother and was willing to
sent her most precious son to live in America,
no matter what the hardship it will be, she
wanted him to care for her brother as his own
father. This was her plan.

The girl understand her aunt's plan,
and was willing to accept it. All
because she was a girl, there's nothing
more she can do. She can't fight against
her culture, she can't fight against her
traditions, and most importantly, she can't
fight against her identity. She is Hmong.
It is her culture that has lead her down
this path, it is her traditions that caused
her to follow through with this plan, and it
is cause she acknowledge her identify.

She is Hmong, she is a girl, and she has
to follow through with this plan, because
she loves her family, she loves her culture,
her traditions, and her people. That is what
she is.

I Rather Live in Fantasy than Live a Life of Lies

2010-01-31T17:21:00.003-06:00

It is said that the secret is hidden in the Lies, Love is ending soon. I would rather live in fantasy than live a life of lies. I would rather be with the person that I love and care for than live a life where I'm alone without anyone to comfort me. In my heart, there's only one person and that is you. Even so, if I have to die just to be with you, I'm more than happy to do it. Because you are my own happiness. Only you can fill this hole in my heart. Without you, this heart can never be healed, the scar will remain, and the memories will continue to haunt me day and night.

In my dreams, I can be reunited with the person I love. When I'm with you, there is no one else in the entire whole world that can replace your love, your warmth, and your strong arms. Everything that we used to share is here and that's all I will ever need and ever want. If only I have you, then everything is okay. And I'm willing to let everything go just to be with you and only you.

Holding on to that last piece of hope

2010-01-24T14:11:00.000-06:00

It is hard to live with a man that you do not love. It is even harder that the love you share with that one person is not allowed by your family. It is the desire of forbidden love that you live to carry on. Even though you know the consequences, you still fight for that one special person, hoping that may be just one day it will all pay off. To make matters even worst, you are separated by the earth and sea with no possibility that your dreams can come true. Yet you keep on dreaming, holding on to that last piece of light that can shine into your dull life and give you a reason to live for just another day. In a relation where there is an empty bond, you live for yourself and seek a way back to the that light; knowing that deep inside there’s nothing left but a burned out candle that will never be lit again.

thank you

2009-12-07T19:00:00.003-06:00

all i can do now is stand by you
and push you on
i can't do anything more
but i thank you...for giving me a chance.

one thing i realized tonight was that
i really did love you.
i really don't want to let you go
but i know understand how you feel
and why you let me go.

thank you..for all the fun memories.

2009-12-02T10:19:00.002-06:00

every where i go...i keep thinking of you. i dont understand why we have to be separate like this. please don't leave me alone. i know it's a lot to ask but please. without you i would be nothing. my life would have absolutely no mean to it. you are my breath, my heart, and my life.

without you, life is not worth living. i don't want everything to fade away.

How can I steal you from your family?

2009-09-27T20:49:00.006-05:00

You asked for my hand in marriage and promised me you’ll move to Japan with me…but how can I do that? How can I marry you and then take you away from your family. You’re a son. You are the one to care for your family. You are the one they look up to, the one they depend on. How can I, an outsider, come into your family and take you away. It just doesn’t seem right. Allowing me to do such a thing, I would rather die. I’m not able to do such a thing. You mean a lot to your family. To prove your love for me and making my dream come true is very nice of you but…you shouldn’t let a woman rip you apart from your family. A woman can become a part of your soul, a part of your family. But never let that woman take you way from what you hold dear. Your family will always be there for you but a woman can always change her mind. I say this not because I don’t love you but because I love you. I love you so much that I cannot remove you from your family bond and make you my own. So…I am sorry but I will not be able to accept your offer. I hope that we will still be friends. Upon our next meeting, please see me nothing more than a good friend. Thank you for all your love and all your caring, my good friend.

What is the bond?

2009-09-07T22:26:00.004-05:00

Even thought I talk of empty bond, what is the bond itself?
Even myself doesn't know, but one thing for sure is that
this bond is family. Yes, family.

You're probably wondering why it's family.
It's family because our family had created the bond and
it wasn't us that created that bond.
It is a bond that the family holds, and for us to fulfill.

We are the puppets that are being control by others.
We are not allow to make decisions for ourself,
because others make them for us.
We are not allow to choose who we love
because it has already been done.

This is what our life is...well, at least to me.

~ Am I wrong? ~

2009-05-07T16:44:00.007-05:00

In my heart, I really don't know what to say. Whenever I ask for an answer, it doesn't give me one. No matter how much I think about it, there's still is not reason to stop or a reason to go through with it. It makes me feel like I'm turning him into somekind of project, when he's not. I really don't want to hurt him...but what choice do I have? What am I suppose to do? Either way, the two of us are just using each other right? That's how it feels like...We're just using each other. I keep thinking that if I go through with the plan, he'll just use me then leave. So why not use him? Why not experiment with him and see how far I can get?

Even though, I think of these things, I'm too human to go through with. I want him to see the world differently. But what can I do? What can I do to make him realize that the world doesn't revoved around money? That the world isn't just a place to play. Just how can I do it? Just how?

...Neverless, the thought of us using each other...
...It's not wrong, is it?...

...I'm not wrong, Am I?...

~ Empty Bond ~

2009-05-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

An empty bond, that's what it is. No love, no compassion, no emotions, nothing at all.

Yet, there's this string that ties us together.

That's how it feels like...an empty bond.

We are together, yet we don't love each other.
We don't see each other more than friends.

We can't see how are future will be or how it will end.

Yet, there is this bond that ties us together.

A bond so strong that we both can't break free....

But do tell, it is just me or do you feel the same way too.

It is all just an empty bond for you?

It is just something you have to do because you can't get away from it?

What is the true reason behind this?
What was suppose to come out of it?

Please tell me if you have the questions.

I would love to know.